Bible Stories IN The Real Number Line

Christians profess, ‘Professor, God Made Everything!” Everytittle and everything is His, down to the jot, it’s a lot, we admit but if it fits then who can say anything different? Do You?

“Alright then, child, let’s take this to some basic conclusions.

How did God create the world?

Ex nihilo, you’ll say, feeling extra smug because you remembered the second i, extra sly, I’ll reply, but you’ve stuck yourself in the What is nihilo?

Nothing!

Yes, but how do you create something out of nothing?

Maybe you have to capitalize it.

Capitalize it?!

Yes, like Nothing or Naught or Nili-

Hold on but hold on a minute! You’re trying tuesday hard. Remember this is supposed to be easy. Is capitalization easy?

No.

What is easy? On a scale from 1-10

Well 1 I’d guess.

 

And you’d be right, except we’ve got the wrong scale haven’t we? Where is nothing or Nothing or whatever you want to call it, on this scale?

Well it isn’t there.

Ok. Where is it?

Well ‘0’.

Ok. So on a scale of everything and anything anywhere and everywhere, what is the easiest?

O

No no! I see what you did there. Correct it.

Sorry. 0

Right. So 0 is nothing and Nothing and the easiest and the thing from which God Created everything! Literally everything. Isn’t that bananas?

Nuts I’d say.

Whatever. The point is God is Zero yes? Who discovered Zero by the way?

 

Zero was invented independently by the Babylonians, Mayans and Indians (although some researchers say theIndian number system was influenced by the Babylonians). The Babylonians got their number system from the Sumerians, the first people in the world to develop a counting system.

Consider this an extended thank you. Thank you for inventing God. But back to proper lessons, How exactly did God go about creating everything.

Well. I don’t want to say it.

You’re just trying to make it dirtier than it is. What is it.

Sex?

Ok let’s think about it. What is sex.

Is it a number?

A number.

Well if God is a number then maybe sex is a number too.

Ah, but then you don’t understand why it is God is a number.

Oh but I do, God is a number because YOUR ANSWER HERE

Hint (we were staying in paris…)

So now that that’s sorted we understand why God is a number and why sex is not a number. But what else is there, in the wide wide world of numbers?

Operations!

Precisely. So which operation is sex?

Addition! .5 + .5 = 1!

Splendid. So let’s take a look at how God interacts when you ‘add’ him to things

1 + 0 = 1

0 + 8 + 0 =  8

0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 =

0

Interesting, no? Nothing? This makes you feel nothing? Do you realize what that feeling is now? No? 0k

So it seems that sex does nothing for God, or maybe God does nothing with sex, or maybe there’s some deeper message here about how God views sex- an operation in which he participates, but through which nothing can be done. And how the fuck did the virgin conception work? What did the Holy Spirit add there? How does one create something from Nothing?? Yes we’re getting there.

It’s not addition. Let’s try multiplication.

GUEST INTERJECTION

So you see that if you multiply anything by God, you get God back, which also says that God is simultaneously the lowest and highest point – all things collapse back to him. YET YOU STILL FEEL NOTHING?? Fine.

DIVISION.

By zero; it can’t be done you scream! But I am careless of your concern, and I push forward my hand, reaching down to someplace you didn’t think I knew existed, did it exist before, did God exist before he was invented? Discovered? What’s the difference, the point is over, I’ve cranked the gears supra, and now we’ve divided by zero, something thought impossible, but we’ve done it, so there.

And that’s how God created the world.

Now go kick rocks.

-SB

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