DT 2: Weirdly Personal

Since the third date is typically where I get weirdly personal, this post is going to be…

Not too personal, mind you, just weirdly personal. Like I don’t tell you about all of my abandonment issues, but I fill you in on my bizarre fascination with something called “milk frumping,” and we spend an unusual amount of time playing with each others toes. Third dates are the best.

Today’s post is going to be like that, in that I’m going to talk about some things that have brought me to this spot. Skip to Nessie for the straight gaming biz.

The concept of Free Will is something that has never made sense to me. I’ve been religious, I’ve been extremely religious, I’ve been agnostic, flirted with atheism, some weird Ayn Rand shit-istic…I was way, way, way into Harry Potter at one point…I’ve been all over the place. But no matter what my world-view has been, I just haven’t seen a way to make sense of this idea that we’re in control of our actions.

We’re clearly not in control. Credit to http://www.theplaidzebra.com/netflix-binge-watching-is-re-wiring-our-brains/ for the amazing graphic.

And I don’t mean people shouldn’t be held responsible for their actions, I just mean we should all realize it’s a puppet show. What kid chooses to be born a crack baby, after all, what old person chooses to poop their pants? My favorite kind of old person, that’s who, but even they don’t really choose to poop their pants. That crazy old person pooping their pants is just an inevitable consequence of all of the shit they’ve experienced in their lives.

I don’t think there’s a way to really summarize my point, so I’m just going to assume you agree, Free Will makes no sense. So the universe is deterministic, which means that everything that has happened or everything that ever will happen is already established (in some [admittedly possibly inaccessible] way). So I’m sitting in a coffee shop, also sitting on the brink of a precipitous career change, and I’m wondering, “WHY EVEN TRY? Is this even worth it when I have titty control over whether this works out or not?”

But that’s where the whole logic breaks down, because obviously my actions will have tremendous impact on whether or not I’m successful. I have this absurd idea about how things are going to turn out in the real world, and there is some non-zero chance that the world I’m imagining might actually come to pass. WHAT.

That’s crazy to me. That somehow the mini-world that exists in my brain, the imaginary world that exists only between my synapses, might, somehow, become reality. WUT, I SAY AGAIN WUT!?!

Even in a best case scenario it won’t be a perfect 1:1, of course. No where close. That’s what sucks/is awesome about living in a world as mind-blowingly complicated as the world we live in. There are so many people out there, so many conflicting pictures of what the world should look like, will look like, would have looked like…

Yup, still a hoax.
Yup, still a hoax.

Yesterday I definitely did NOT accomplish half of the things I meant to. I did get to watch a lot of TI5, which was unbelievable, orgasmic, and everything I love about ESPORTS.  AND IT WAS ONLY DAY 2 OF THE ELIMINATION STAGE. WUT AGAIN.

What a cocky shit.
What a cocky shit.

So today is crunch day, which is a great time to bring out my second piece of advice on what to do/not to do to become a rock star video game personality. I’ll list number one too, because I don’t know how to list just number 2 without…you know what, don’t worry about it, just read the damn list.

  1. Figure out why you’re in this.
  2. Do what you say you’re going to do. 

One of the scariest parts of this enterprise is that no one is telling me how to translate what I’m picturing in my head into the real world. I’ve had real world jobs, and done well in those jobs, but I think that’s in large part because they’ve all come with clear responsibilities. Every day I walked into the office knowing what I needed to get done, believing that those singular tasks had been decided on by someone far smarter/more informed than myself, so they should benefit me in the long run. And mostly they did. And I was happy to leave the decision process behind choosing those tasks as a black box, something I knew little about because I didn’t think I needed to know anything about it.

What I’m realizing now is that the decision-making-box is a key piece of getting this ESPORTS thing to work, and work well, but I have no idea how to make one. This is really just a continuation of my point from yesterday, where I was talking about starting to build that box. Today’s point is that it doesn’t matter if you have the best possible decision-making-box there is, if you don’t do what it tells you to do.

I’ve made a big stink in my personal life about how much I’ve hated my various sales jobs, about how much the average person hates their job, about how awful and soul crushing the whole system is, but I’m not blind to the fact that there’s an amazing thing going on in America. My grandparents worked steady, middle class jobs, and built extremely rewarding lives out of what some would consider a fortune, and others would consider table scraps.

I can’t say anything about the personal battles and struggles they encountered along the way, mostly because I probably don’t know the deepest ones, despite having spent thousands of hours talking with them. What they did always want to talk about, was how important it was to keep to your word, to do what you said you were going to do. It’s obvious advice, it’s the kind of advice they write down in second grade coloring books, but I think it’s really key this whole enterprise.

And I don’t mean that I have to religiously draft a schedule every day and stick to it, I don’t mean that I have to stick by every flippant remark I’ve ever made.

What I mean is…I think there are many many many ways to make my dreams come true, but I think all of them start with me doing what I say I’m going to do. Not because what I say I’m going to do (and subsequently do do) is necessary the RIGHT thing to do, but because it’s something, and doing something is infinitely better than doing nothing.

Unless you’re Hitler.

It’s funny, that’s usually the line I close all my third dates with too.

Here’s my attempt at making a to-do list for today, one that I’ll stick to:

  • Rocket League video
  • Work out Tournament details

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